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Men – How To Be The Perfect Gay Date

Gay dating is an ideal way to figure out whether someone’s worth going out and sharing that romantic Happy Meal with at the end of the night… or not. And you’d be amazed at what you can learn about a person in just three minutes (that’s 180 seconds)! Here’s how to make sure you get all your boxes ticked…

Hold back

“Shall we just go back to mine and sleep together?” said my first SD (Speed Date) of the night, after approximately 55 seconds. This is what you call the direct approach. Do this and it may get you a direct reply, in the form of a drink in your face. Because let’s face it, you’ve already just told your SD everything they need to know about you, and unless they’re impressed (and they’re probably not), they really don’t need the next 177 seconds they have to spend with you before the bell chimes to move on. And never was there a bell more welcoming than when my Mr Straight to the Point had to move on to his next attempt. But before he left, he pulled out his business card, for good measure, and shoved it across the table towards me. I was pretty sure this wasn’t in the rules, but he obviously doubted that he’d get his box ticked (my look of horror might have been his first clue), so he thought he’d get in there first. But believe me, getting in there first will guarantee that your ‘date’ won’t even pick up their biro, let alone mark you up.

Don’t mention the affair

Don’t be the SD who manages, in the space of just three minutes, to mention they’ve had an affair. It’s not the best way to sell yourself as a potential date. And my advice is, that if you have had one, keep it to yourself. I was doing quite well with one of my SDs, up to the point where he mentioned that he’d been travelling, then felt the need to qualify it by telling me that the reason he’d left the country was because he was having an affair and her husband had found out – apparently the husband was “built like Mike Tyson”. But as if this next bit might persuade me to go on a date with him, he assured me that the affair  “was very on and off, so it wasn’t a proper one.” So that makes it OK then… apparently. Anyway, the remaining 30 seconds were the second longest 30 seconds of my life (the longest were with Mr Straight to the Point, above), as I wondered if I should tell Adulterer that my main hobby was stamp collecting or something, just to ensure that he didn’t tick my box. I certainly didn’t tick his.

All that glitters…

“Is that a Rolex you’ve got on there? Do you live local, because it’s quite affluent around here? Do you rent or own?” This SD is the magpie – looking for anything shiny that might be worth a few quid. Preferably someone to keep them while they do nothing all day. Mine asked me all the above straight off, without pausing for breath. In fact, I think he had a list of questions that he was holding under the table because he kept looking down. You’ve got to admire such a direct approach, however if you decide to go for this tactic, then be prepared for your ‘date’ to don their best pair of Reebok Classics and run for the hills. No one wants to be paying for both the Harry Potter tickets, the popcorn AND the bus ride home after the first date.

Be happy

Even if you’ve had a bad day, it’s best not to moan to your three-minute date about everyone in your life, bar your goldfish. “I don’t get on with any of my brothers,” said one of my SDs, “in fact, if I never saw any of them again it would be too soon.” Not that odd, you might think, after all, everyone has family troubles. But what put a slightly different slant on this one was that he had six brothers. To not get on with six said more about SD than his brothers. And telling a stranger – who you’re trying to impress in a matter of minutes – about your family problems is a little bit weird. Fact. They’ll be getting the running shoes out again. No one wants to go on a first date that plunges them into such depths of despair that when they get home they start downing the scotch while playing a Joni Mitchell album.

But here’s who you DO want to be, and trust me, it will get your box well and truly inked in…

Listen up

The SD who listens to the other person talk about themselves for at least 90 seconds of the ‘date’ has got speed dating all sewn up. Recounting your entire life story, from school milk stories to graduation day for the whole three minutes isn’t engaging, and probably won’t guarantee you a proper first date. I know, some people eh!

So daters, now you know what’s NOT hot, go and find out who is. It’s fun, it’s fast, and you never know, you could meet the straight to the point, depressive, cheating magpie that you want to spend the rest of your life with.


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